Digital Refrain

by Andrew Rosin

When I first heard that there was going to be a Bachelor parody as a web series. I thought to myself, perhaps this was not going to work. Sure, Ken Marino was involved. And he’s great. But I had concerns, and I was going to let this one pass by. I mean, for a show that already comes with a certain amount of unintentional comedy and for a bro who watched the Spike TV Parody the Joe Schmo Show? This may not have been meant for me.

That is until Ken Marino appeared with Deanna Russo and Janet Varney on a recent episode of Comedy Bang Bang. And I have to say from these three playing their Burning Love characters on the show? I was intrigued. I decided that after I watched Predator 2? I was going to make time for Burning Love.

And my friends, this is a show you need to catch up on.

Ken Marino plays Mark Orlando, someone who’s a straight shooter because he does not seem to have the brainpower to offer up subtext. And playing it completely straight makes him a tremendous protagonist for the story. Like a Leslie Nielsen from Airplane, he is honest in everything he says and does, and he will make you believe that he could actually be a conceivable contestant on a Bachelor or one of those shows.

But of course, a show like this is only as good as the contestants. And with territory such as this, you’ll have a mixture of archetypes and comic characters. From the Christian, to the lunatic, to the inspirational story, to the cougar, to the homeless one, to Ken Jeong. And while there are stars like Malin Akerman, Michael Ian Black and Kristin Bell involved, Creator Erica Oyama has given every character a moment in the spotlight. You will find yourself going to IMDB to look up someone who was previously unknown to you. I won’t reveal exactly where and when? But Beth Dover as Lexie was mine.

Did I enjoy her performance? Yes. Was I a little frightened by it? I think so. Will it make me not miss her next thing that a small town boy such as myself can get to by all legal means? Definitely.

And there are special guest stars like you wouldn’t believe. Ben Stiller, Paul Scheer, Adam Scott, other people with last names that don’t start with S but if I mention them I would ruin the surprise for you. It’s great stunt casting, but it’s not too much to overpower the main storyline.

The first episode was almost solely exposition, as the form kind of forces it to be, so many characters to introduce and all. But that being said? We are coming up on Episode 9. You can marathon a few episodes, and you can get yourself to the good stuff very quickly. And boy howdy, there’s a lot of good stuff in the first 8.

And it makes me want to see how it ends. I have an idea. But as I want you to see this. No spoilers. Go to Yahoo. Watch the darn thing.

You’re welcome.

Illustration by Maddison Bond

by Maddison Bond 

Today, many of the games we play have begun incorporating elements of the role playing genre. In fact role playing games, or RPG’s (said ar-PEE-GEE), have become some of the top sellers in the market with blockbuster titles in Skyrim, Fallout, and Mass Effect. These games owe a debt to their predecessors from earlier times, namely the Infinity Engine games: Baldur’s Gate, Planescape: Torment, and Icewind Dale. The best way to preface the Infinity Engine is to talk about Diablo, developed by Blizzard and released in 1996. Without the commercial success of the hack’n’slash role-playing game, the revival of a slowly dying genre (at least for the computer), would not have been possible. Diablo sold over 2.4 million copies and showed the computer game world that RPG’s were once more a viable way to make money. RPG’s were a dying form, plagued by long development cycles and fast becoming stagnant in their creativity.Fast forward two years and Bioware, the company behind the Infinity Engine, dropped Baldur’s Gate and ripped open the genre. Bioware was an unconventional company, founded by three friends who had graduated from medical school and programmed in their free time. Their love of Dungeons and Dragons (D&D), motivated them to begin work on a graphics engine to transform the pen and paper game into a computerized version.  Over the next four years, Black Isle and Bioware developed some of the best games, fueled by the Infinity Engine, that helped to fully resuscitate role-playing games for the computer and push the genre to artistic heights.

The Infinity Engine in and of itself was not super impressive for its graphics, but for its game play capabilities. Bioware eschewed the three dimensional graphics that were taking off at the time in favor of traditional sprite graphics. The graphics and effects, while somewhat dated, have a finely crafted feeling. Whereas Diablo was a single player saga, the Infinity Engine allowed for a full adventuring party of six characters. And rather than function as earlier RPGs with slow turned based combat, the Infinity Engine opted for quasi-real time. The turns still took place, but they played out in real time, and players were offered the option the pause combat to issue commands which allowed for a seamless merging of turn based tactics, with the fun, fast-paced action like Diablo. This change of pace was the most important aspect in terms of reviving the game play of RPGs.

Baldur’s Gate and its sequel Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn, tell a most epic, excellent story (although a very typical RPG story, which is a topic for another post entirely. The series takes place in the Forgotten Realms universe of D&D, which for the uninitiated is your typical medieval fantasy setting: elves, dragons, wizards, and goblins galore with castles and kings, dwarves and mines, and mystical forests filled with druids. The combat and story flow together fluidly, and are well complemented by the ability to transfer characters from the first game to the second and each expansion. The Infinity engine allowed for a six character party, but the main character was fully customizable by the player, allowing for various play-throughs. The second game also expanded the game by adding a base building mechanic that allowed the player to restore a castle, an RPG within an RPG if you will. The story telling and characters were memorable, as were the plot twists throughout the game. There were added bonuses in super challenges in fighting dragons and liches (both uber-powerful baddies). The combination of a well-told story and strong mechanics for the game created a future hall of fame RPG.

If the Baldur’s Gate series was the foundation and castle upon which further computer RPGs were built, Planescape: Torment was the giant, hundred-story tower with a massive spire upon the top. And banners, lots of banners. Maybe some majestic eagles flying around too. Leaving  behind the Forgotten Realms setting, the game takes place in the Multiverse, a giant world existing in multiple planes of existence (of which the Forgotten Realms are a part of).

The story comes closest to video game as fine art, pondering the search and nature of identity. The player takes control of the Nameless One, a man with armor made of scars, on a quest to find who he is. The combat is as exciting as Baldur’s Gate, and the monsters are incredibly fantastic and varied, and the backgrounds are amazing. The designers even managed to make a sewer interesting by involving a giant mass of hive-minded rats. The biggest accomplishment, beyond telling one of the best stories I have personally ever experienced in a game, is by making combat unnecessary, rewarding the player for being able to use logic and quick words to avoid physical blows entirely. Nothing feels as amazing as tricking a thousands-year old being into giving you powerful artifacts, but without spoiling the story too much nothing is a wondrous as beating a game using words alone.

Planscape: Torment is the academy award winning drama to the Icewind Dale series’ action packed blockbuster that consists only of people dying. The Icewind Dale games, while not allowing the player to import characters from one game to another (my main point of irritation), does provide an epic dungeon crawl. The story is almost nonexistent. The combat is key. Every dungeon is longer than the last and filled to the brim with monsters. While having no story, I often times found myself talking for the characters and creating narratives mid-battle, some kind of borderline insane chose-your-own-adventure story telling.  What the game truly excels at is the combat, if I haven’t beaten that to death already (pun intended). The situations the game presents are excellent and fun, and so many are thrown at you that the combat never fails to be challenging.

Baldur’s Gate, Planescape: Torment, and Icewind Dale are three delicious flavors of computer RPGs, each in their own right, and together a triple punch combo of exciting combat and amazing storytelling. Each game grabbed me in a different way, Baldur’s Gate allowed me the epic D&D campaign I always wanted, but never had enough friends for. Planescape: Torment challenged my 13 year-old mind on a level English class never did, and Icewind Dale allowed me to create the story of my characters. But the most important thing these games did in combination was be commercially and critically successful. The quasi-real time combat paved the way for many of the real time RPGs of today, like the Mass Effect series and the recent reboot of Deus Ex. While the genre was already trending towards this thanks to Diablo, the Infinity Engine spring-boarded off of their success to reveal a genre begging for reinvention. As many Japanese RPGs for consoles were beginning to fall into formulaic procedures, computer RPGs were experiencing their Renaissance. And thanks to all of this, I was able to experience and continue to experience my favorite genre, the role-playing game.

Art by @maddisonbond

In Theaters Review is where I review movies that are currently playing in theaters. Spoiler free for your pleasure.

Film: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

In Theaters Review Rating: 0 out of 5 quinoa salads. This movie is not worthy of a single quinoa let alone a salad of them.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is awful. Not fun awful. Awful awful. The single positive attribute of this movie is the premise itself, which is ridiculous and funny and could have been taken in any number of entertaining directions. Unfortunately the film never makes up its mind on which of those directions it will take, so bumbles along slipshod for one hundred and five long minutes. It tries to play it mostly straight while wondering about being campy. It alternates between running with its inherent silliness in one scene and having a child die in the next. All of these ill fitting parts, even when considered in isolation of each other, are executed poorly. The identity crisis is accompanied by a complete lack of cleverness. Even more astounding is the absence of humor. It is impossible for the concept alone to compensate for such careless construction.

Shockingly this film has little interest in exploiting the well known idiosyncrasies of its title character. Has there been a more exhaustively researched American than Abraham Lincoln? We know he was a gigantic human for his time, with tremendous physical strength to match his intellect and ambition. He was strange looking and battled depression. He failed a lot in life before he succeeded. He had a personality many found off-putting but could engage anyone when telling a story. A wealth of material from which to create a vampire hunting President. Instead we see a Lincoln character that amounts to little more than a lazy, moronic amplification of some mythology. Vampire Hunter Lincoln is so opposed to slavery that as a child he takes a whipping with his black friend. An outspoken abolitionist from the beginning, he is pursuing the presidency so that he can end slavery. That same childhood friend he took a beating with becomes an adviser in his White House. This Lincoln is handsome, liked, and competent at all things. A waste.

It is against all movie review best practices to divulge spoilers. I will break convention here because it is very important that you not see this movie. All flickers of interest must be extinguished. If you find the fact that many Americans fought to preserve slavery during the Civil War a bit too prickly, this film has a fantasy you will love: it was the vampires that did it.

I went into this movie amused and intrigued by the premise. I liked the concept, which is supposed to be the biggest hurdle to enjoying movies that are so silly. That was my problem. Ebert went in “expecting to sneer” and found himself entertained, although he has a nice list of things he recommends ignoring along the way if you want to be entertained, too. If you decide to see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” after reading this review, I hope that you expect to sneer. It might just give you a chance at enjoying yourself.

Illustration by Mary Grace Ewald

by Andrew Rosin

I believe it was John Cleese who once said  “When you get in your teens and young adulthood…you begin to see flaws in the order. You see that these rules in your life are silly, ridiculous. And you poke at it, you make fun of it, and that’s where comedy, anybody’s comedy comes from.

But as you get even older, and hopefully wiser, you begin to see the truth. The truth that there is in fact absolutely no order at all – nobody has any idea what they are doing, at all. That religion is a lie, that politics is a lie, and morality is a lie. And that everything truly is in utter chaos.

And as soon as you realize this, well, it’s just not that funny.”

And if you think that’s a pretentious way to start a podcast review? Boy howdy, you are in for a treat. For you see? Today is the day that I’ve officially dropped my subscription to “How Did This Get Made?”

And it stems from the tone of the Podcast. Basically, you can call this podcast an incredulity off. Paul Scheer’s comedic persona is one that is generally amplified, as you can tell from his work on Children’s Hospital, Human Giant, and The League. The co-hosts (Jason Mantzoukas and June Diane Raphael) follow by bringing their energy levels up to match, and when it’s an over the top action movie like a Crank 2 or a Fast and Furious 5? It can work, and it can be funny.

But they haven’t been going down that road. This is a show that’s just as likely to “oh my God can you believe that shit a no-budget movie like Birdemic or Leprechaun in the Hood as they are to hit up a bad older movie like a Mac and Me or a Speed 2:Cruise Control.

And here’s the thing that hit me in recent weeks. Marveling in disbelief at the not-top notch filmmaking of a movie? Kind of an unnecessary way to spend my time. Most movies that manage to get made are a miracle in themselves. Especially if you put them through the Hollywood movie system. Incredulity is an ill fit. A Katherine Heigl movie was bad, VERBALLY CAPS LOCK IT TO DEATH UNTIL IT DIES.

Because here’s the thing. You don’t have sell a movie like The Room to the audience. You don’t have to have yourself at 11 to have a get over the fact that Tommy Wiseau is ridiculous.

Because he is. Obviously.

I mean, there are other podcasts with the exact same format who have been at this longer and do it so much better. I’m not going to make mention of it now. Because 500 words on why one podcast isn’t for me anymore and bringing another in toward the end of it would be rather uncouth. And even when I’m not feeling it, that’s a real dick move.

So, here’s where I’ll leave How Did This Get Made. A podcast that’s too high energy about something naturally ridiculous, and with a vestigial episode in between which just seems like busywork for Scheer. It’s a free podcast, and I have better use of my time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna watch Predator 2.

Illustration by Maddison Bond

by Michael Levin

When I was in 7th grade, I ran for President of my class. It was our first year in middle school, so we had two rounds of “voting” in which everyone in the year (approximately 300 people) checked the box next to the person’s name who was running.

The first round was all the candidates who threw their hat into the ring. Figure like 25 people. Somehow, I managed to slide in as one of the four finalists. Michele, Caitlin, Jackie, and me. Three girls and me. Caitlin and Jackie were, for 12-year-old girls, super hot. Like Top Tier of 7th Grade hotness. No offense to Michele (who grew into her face and is quite pretty herself nowadays) but these girls were in another league. And then there was me, with my Nike t-shirts and And-1 shorts without many opinions other than Allen Iverson was awesome and South Park was funny.

So I mounted a sort of campaign, knowing that I was generally seen as the underdog. But I figured, well, the two hotties would cancel each other out and I’d coast to victory. I gave out a few sweets on election day (Pez candies for “Vote Mike for Pez”) and tried not to get unnaturally flustered in the campaign video (“I’m a really spiritual person” in response to a School Spirit question), which was pretty hit-or-miss on all parts.

I knew that the votes I needed to get were the ones of my male counterparts. If I got the Man Vote, I’d be golden and run a dynasty that would carry me all the way to the Ivy League. So I would ask them if they’re voting for me. And most of them would say “yeah, but Jackie’s really hot” or something similar about Caitlin. I was prepared. “But if you vote for them and they win, they’ll have to leave class a lot for student council things and you won’t get to see them as much.” I figured that’s the sound reasoning they needed to hear to swing the vote my way. They chewed on it for a second.

“Yeah, but she’s like, really hot.”
“Dude, she’s not going to like you better if you vote for her. She won’t even know.”
“Yeah.”
“So are you going to vote for me?”
“I don’t know dude.”

The ballots came back in and I had lost. I was right about the Hot Girls vote cancelling each other out, but I lost anyway. All the guys voted for the popular hot girls and all the girls voted for Not Me. Michele won, simply because she wasn’t a hot bitch and she wasn’t a guy. The Hotties totaled about 60% of the vote, Michele won with around 33% herself. If I recall correctly, there was one guy who voted for me by accident. The girls won.

That’s why superstars get all the calls.

Illustration by Mary Grace Ewald

Season 3, Episode 8: I See You

“I am told the assassin that survived is gravely injured. It’s doubtful he’ll live. Now thank me and shake my hand.”- Gus Fring

After the cold open, which gives us Jesse’s perspective of Hank’s arrival at the hospital, we pick up with Gale’s awkward goodbye, in which, not only does Walt stumble through explaining why exactly he’s essentially fired the poor man, but Gale gets introduced to the man who’s replacing him: Jesse, in all his stoner glory, parading through the superlab like a dumb kid in a candy store made out of advanced trigonometry. “200 pounds a week,” Victor reminds Walt when he reiterates that it’s for the best. Jesse then, to his credit, notifies Walt what happened to Hank.

Essentially the rest of the episode is spent at the hospital waiting room, where Marie kicks out ASAC Merkert and Gomez after she learns that Hank didn’t have his gun when he was attacked, due to his recent suspension. And when she turns on Walt for having associated with Jesse in the first place, you can see the realization dawn on him: maybe this is all his fault. This is on his mind when, the next day, he gives Marie a speech about how terrified he was when he had his lobectomy (at this same hospital), and how if he survived this place, so will Hank. Speaking of surviving, we’re treated to a frightening scene when, after Gomez brings Walt up to see him, Leonel throws himself out of his hospital bed and drags himself along, bloody stumps and all, enraged to have finally met his true quarry.

There’s one other storyline in this episode, one that runs both parallel and beneath the main one, and that is the storyline of Gus, and his power play with the Cartel. After feigning innocence with Juan Bolsa, who wants to know who authorized the attack on Hank, Gus learns that Bolsa plans on getting the full story straight from Leonel’s mouth once he recovers and is acquitted by the best lawyer the Cartel can buy.

Our two storylines converge when Gus (secretly accompanied by Mike) pay a visit to the hospital. On the surface, he’s there to bring food for all the cops gathered at Hank’s proverbial bedside. In reality, he’s there to distract the police and DEA away so Mike can administer a poison to Leonel, ensuring his silence and effectively covering his tracks. Later, when Juan Bolsa calls him with “Federales in his rose bushes,” Gus again feigns innocence as Juan accuses him of being behind everything. As Juan tells him that the Cartel will learn of his treachery, the Federales break in a gun Bolsa down, as Gus listens in on the phone, smiling. He destroys the phone, dumps it in the trash and heads back inside Los Pollos Hermanos, an international drug lord, “hiding in plain sight,” as he himself says to Walt. This episode’s title has a double meaning. One, as a phoneticization of “ICU,” or Intensive Care Unit, and two as “I See You,” or the audience’s first real glimpse at how powerful and dangerous Gus Fring truly is.

Season 3, Episode 9: Kafkaesque

“I learned from the best. Somehow, something tells me Hank is here because of you. And I’m not forgetting that.”- Skyler White

The cold open in this episode gives us our first glimpse at the true breadth of Gus’ meth empire, as we see the product handled all the way from Walt and Jesse to being shipped out in Los Pollos Hermanos trucks as Gus looks on. It’s simple, free of dialogue (aside from the deliciously cheesy LPH commercial that begins it) and among the most powerful cold opens in the show’s history.

The conversation Walt and Jesse have just after that cold open lets us know that Jesse understands just how big this operation is, too. He’s been crunching the numbers, and according to him, $1.5 million each is not fair recompense for the work they’re doing, work that will result in Gus making nearly a billion dollars from their product. Walt scoffs at this newly-minted millionaire’s sudden bout of Marxism, and leaves. This new mentality appears again later, when, after Jesse tells a story about the one time he truly put everything he had into something, when he was in shop class in high school. This gets his wheels spinning, and he starts surreptitiously skimming off the extra meth he and Walt have been making. But where before he might have simply smoked the efforts of his labor, now he’s trying to sell it, with Badger and Skinny Pete by his side once again . He wants to make his own way, to escape from the “totally Kafkaesque” existence of his new job.

Walt’s storyline starts at the hospital, where Hank, who is awake, tells Gomez that someone tipped him off about the attack. It doesn’t take long for Walt to put two and two together, and he sets up a meeting with Gus at the chicken farm, where he states his belief that it was Gus who deflected the Cousins away from him and towards Hank, masterfully cutting off the Cartel from the New Mexico meth market, opening it up for himself. Walt is not condemning this, and as he states to Gus, not only does he acknowledge that this ploy saved his own life, but that in Gus’ position he’d “have done the same thing.” The one thing he doesn’t know is what happens when his three month contract ends. Gus immediately extends the contract to $15 million a year. It’s clear, however, that Gus does this simply to placate Walt, and that him so quickly putting together Gus’ plan troubles him. This is Heisenberg, and for the first time since they entered business together, Gus meets him. And he is afraid (or as close to being afraid Gus Fring is capable of being).

Another thing that becomes clear is that Gus’ attempt to placate Walt has done no such thing. Walter, too, clearly understands that Gus is the most dangerous man he has ever met, and that they have know entered into a potentially lethal game. He is gambling, now, much as he does on the drive home when he guns the accelerator and drifts into the oncoming lane, nearly colliding head on with an approaching semi truck. Ironically enough, Walt gambling is the basis of the cover story Skyler impressively weaves in front of a stunned Marie and a bewildered Walt. This episode really signals the beginning of Skyler’s acceptance of Walt’s second life, or at least her acceptance of his reasoning for it. This will lead to her increased involvement in the “business” in Season 4.

Season 3, Episode 10: Fly

“I’m saying…I’ve lived too long. You want them to actually miss you, you know?”- Walter White

I talked before about the nature of the so-called “bottle episode,” and how “4 Days Out” was one of the best examples of such in the history of television. Well this episode, “Fly,” is maybe even better, and stands shoulder to shoulder with any episode of the show before or since. The premise is simple: while cooking, Walt discovers a “contaminant” in the superlab. It’s a simple housefly, and while he’s justified in thinking it could ruin their cook, he’s anything but justified in how he goes about trying to catch it. This show has often been is at its best when it locks Walt and Jesse into a confined space and lets them bounce off one another, and “Fly” is as good at that as any other episode, “4 Days Out” included.

The cold open is strange and psychedelic, featuring a recording of Anna Gunn singing “Hush, Little Baby” over extreme close-up of a fly. The meaning of this cold open can be seen as a metaphor for the meaning of this episode itself. I’ll get more into that in the episode’s best scene, which encapsulates all this perfectly. As for the plot itself, Walt wakes up and heads to the superlab, where he meets Jesse and they begin to prepare for the next day’s cook. Just before starting, Walt notices a discrepancy in their numbers, which we know is a result of Jesse skimping extra meth. Jesse spouts off as many excuses as he can, eventually giving one Walt sort of believes. Regardless, Walt’s perfectionism is going rampant, and that’s before he starts noticing the fly that has gotten into the lab. A decent bit of slapstick ensues, as Walt chases the bug around the lab. When Jesse arrives the next morning (after finding a cigarette smeared with Jane’s lipstick, a sad reminder), we realize Walt has spent the entire night here, futilely chasing this long insect. Indeed, he’s made an entire arsenal of bug-catching weaponry out of various supplies he found in the superlab, which bewilders Jesse just as much as the fact that he’s made a seal on the exit to contain the contaminant and refuses to cook until the fly is gone.

It doesn’t take Jesse long to realize that Walter may very well have lost his mind, just as it doesn’t take very long for Walt to convince him to help (a microcosm of the show if I ever saw one). More hijinks ensue. First, Walt slinks around the lab like a killer from a slasher film, then, he and Jesse take turns whacking each other with Walt’s Super Science Swatter, and finally, he tricks Jesse and locks him out of the lab, forcing Jesse to cut the power right when Walt is poised to make a killing stroke. After reconciling, Jesse goes out and gets some fly-catching supplies, including, unbeknownst to his partner, some sleeping pills for Walt. He then tells Walt a story, about how his aunt was tormented by an opossum living under her house, one that she still thought was there even after it had been caught. He tells Walt that this obsession was a byproduct of her cancer having metastasized, and it’s clear he believes something similar may be happening to Walt. Walt brushes this off, telling Jesse that he’s still in remission and that there’s “no end in sight.”  When Jesse reiterates that this is great news, Walt claims that “he missed it.” “It” is his perfect moment, and what follows is a terrifying speech in which Walt muses upon what would have been the perfect moment for him to die. Before Skyler found out, before all his family’s memories of him were bad ones.

Jesse is mortified when Walt continues, spouting off a list of criteria that would qualify this perfect moment as such. It had to be after the fugue state, because he didn’t have enough money. It had to be after Holly was born. It had to be before the surgery and the second cell phone. Then, he realizes it. The night that Jane died. He then tells Jesse about how, after he gave him his share of the money, he met Donald Margolis at a bar, and how he took his advice to “never give up on family.” Walt reiterates that he never should have left home that night, that he never should have gone to Jesse’s, and it’s clear we know which visit he means. He realizes that his perfect moment was while he was watching a nature program, listening to Skyler sing “Hush, Little Baby” to baby Holly over the monitor.

Walt’s guilt over Jane’s death and Hank’s near-death combined with his fear of the situation Gus has put him in has forced him to the edge of his sanity. He has lost a lot control over his life again, and the things he has been able to control, he has destroyed. It seems that now, on the verge of delusion, he’s realizing that Jesse is indeed one of those things, and the weight of what he’s done to him comes to a head as, while he feebly holds up a ladder, while Jesse risks his life in an attempt to kill that damnable fly (another microcosm for the series), he tells Jesse that he’s sorry about Jane, nearly confessing to his role in her death. Right before it happens, Walt convinces him to come down, stating that this particular contaminant really doesn’t matter, because “it’s all contaminated.” Jesse obliges, but while he does, the fly lands on top of the ladder, giving Jesse the perfect opportunity to kill it, which he does. Walt has already passed out.

When he comes to the next morning (or afternoon, as this episode perfectly captures the time warp that seems to occur after staying up for more than 24 hours straight), Jesse has completed the cook. They say their goodbyes, their weird little bond that much stronger. Walter warns Jesse that if he keeps skimming meth off their weekly yield, that Gus will catch him, and Walt won’t be able to protect him. “Who’s asking you to?,” Jesse responds, and when Walt lays down in his sleep that night, he hears the fly. He looks up and sees it, outlined in the blinking light of his smoke detector. Everything is contaminated.

In Theaters Review is where I review movies that are currently playing in theaters.

Film: The Intouchables

Rating: 3 and one half eaten bowls of quinoa salad (time to get healthy you guys)

A cool black person teaches an uptight white person how to loosen up and enjoy life, while the uptight white person teaches the cool black person how to be a more functional member of society. Along the way they butt heads, share some laughs, and overcome some obstacle(s), ultimately developing a deep connection and mutual respect for one another. It is a triumph of humanity over the cultural and economic barriers that have been segregating people from one another for as long as people have bothered to exist. And it has been the plot outline for no fewer than seventy million films. It’s bullshit, and we know this, but since we see this trope played out to one degree or another time and time again I assume it resonates.

“The Intouchables”, a French film, is the latest to apply this concept. We learn from the beginning credits that what we are about to see was inspired by a true story. We learn from the end credits that one thing the filmmakers changed was making the lead character of Senegalese descent instead of Algerian. I’m not sure what motivated the change, and questions nagged at me as I left the theater. Is the black/white mold so strong that a less-dark character would not suffice? Or was Omar Sy, the actor playing the character, so phenomenal that they wanted him in the role and changed it accordingly? Both seemed plausible.

Whatever the reason for the change this film has been a massive success in France. The second most successful French film of all-time, in fact. Recently released to theaters in the United States, more than one Murican critic has found “The Intouchables” to be racist. I wouldn’t go that far, I mean, this movie is racist in the way most movies are racist; it’s regular racist,“Finding Forrester” racist, which many don’t find racist at all. You can learn more about my thoughts on racism in my upcoming self-published ebook, “Racists and the Racist Racists Who Racist: Another White Guys Perspective on What is or is Not Racist, Just What You Wanted To Hear, I’m Sure.”

And now I catch myself falling into that thing I hate where a review starts to focus too much on happenings outside of the actual movie. Any more missteps like this and I will never overtake my rival Roger Ebert. Reset. Deep breath.

To be more specific, “The Intouchables” is the story of a rich white quadriplegic monsieur and the poor black able bodied monsieur that is his caretaker. Sitting on a cliche chassis is not the only issue. Perhaps worse to some, this film never stops pandering to warm your cold Internet heart. And still it succeeds on strong acting from the leads and some solid directing. Omar Sy is excellent as the caretaker and François Cluzet, who plays the quadriplegic, makes a lot of faces. They play well off each other and the buddy comedy type laughs are easily generated from the opening sequence. One particular scene, a trip to the opera, made me laugh so hard I cried my own tears. (I can’t possibly rate a movie less than three quinoa salads if it made me cry with laughter, the quinoa salad scale has too much integrity to permit such injustice.) Add brisk pacing and unrelenting feel goodness and this movie becomes an entertaining experience with undeniable appeal. Unless you found it racist and offensive. Then it probably sucked for you.

Illustration by Mary Grace Ewald

Season 3, Episode 5: Mas

“I simply respect the chemistry. The chemistry must be respected.”- Walter White

This episode’s cold open takes place during the events of the Pilot episode. After Walt gives Jesse his entire life’s savings to buy the RV with, Jesse spends most of it in a wild night with Combo and Skinny Pete at a local strip club, only to have Combo miraculously hook him up with the Winnebago at a moment’s notice in the morning.

The two main storylines in this episode have to do with that RV, and seeing where exactly it came from serves not only as a fun diversion, but as a direct impetus for Hank’s storyline, where he tracks down as many of that model RV as he can, eventually (after a notable mishap involving a game of strip poker and a skylight) coming across Combo’s mother, who tells him her son stole the RV and lets him into Combo’s room, a veritable shrine to her dead son. This is where Hank finds a picture of Jesse and Combo at the strip club, so long ago. This is a tough episode for Hank, as he not only struggles mightily in his search for the RV, but he finds out that Gomez will be replacing him in El Paso. Since the hunt or Heisenberg has been the only thing keeping him from having to confront exactly how he feels about what happened, both with Tuco and with Tortuga, he spends most of this episode lashing out at everyone around him, especially Marie.

Walt’s storyline takes a more direct, serial approach, starting off with himself, Jesse and Saul arguing over Walt receiving half of what Jesse believes to be his money (from the meth he made in that very RV). Walt then pays a visit to Gus, calling him out on his “obvious ploy” to appeal to Walt’s pride as a chemist, which Walt categorically denies with the very quote at the top of this page and in the title of this series. Gus then apologizes for “being transparent,” lowering Walt’s defenses and, after bringing him to Gus’ new superlab below an industrial laundry. It is there, in Gus’ new chemical playground, that he appeals to a different version of Walt’s pride: his pride as a father. “What does a man do, Walter? A man provides.” Walt, eventually agrees, though in his mind, he does so because Gus has no other option. Gus plays him so masterfully that he doesn’t even know he’s been played, marking the second time in this season that Gus has treated him like the pawn he’s very much allowing himself to be. It is this relationship, these new chains Walter has to break himself out of, that defines the conflict for the rest of the season. Still, Walt doesn’t know all of that yet, and the first thing he does with newfound economical stability is cut Jesse off. “I’m in, you’re out,” he sneers, and Jesse takes out his rage on Walt’s poor windshield.

While there are other small plots in this episode, mainly to do with Skyler’s disillusionment of any moral high ground and her loss of interest in Ted, they are ultimately secondary (though Skyler finding Walt’s signature on the divorce agreement speaks volumes towards her mindset). This is an episode about how, in the end, Walt’s “series of very bad decisions,” as he calls it, is the only thing in his life that gives him any satisfaction, and how the hunt for him is that same lone thing for Hank as well. It’s a sad little dance they do, and it’s one of the foundations of the entire show. After all, Walt wouldn’t be doing this if Hank hadn’t brought him on a ride-along that fateful day.

Season 3, Episode 6: Sunset

“The Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I’m just saying.”- Saul Goodman

Another simple cold open this time, where the Cousins murder a Homeland Defense Cop named Bobby as he checks out the house they’ve been squatting in. Straightforward stuff, letting us know what they’ve been up to. When they show up at Los Pollos Hermanos, however, that is a little less straightforward. As Juan Bolsa said, they are not willing to take no for an answer. They want Walt’s blood. Gus just got the man cooking again, and he has to protect his investment. Eventually, he tells them to meet him at sunset (hey, that’s the name of the episode!).

Speaking of his investment, we get to see Walt’s first day at his “new job,” replete with brown bagging his own lunch and his meeting the bouncy, dorky Gale Boetticher, his new assistant. Gale is, in every way, Walt’s ideal lab partner, as likely to engage him in chess as he is to recite Walt Whitman’s poems to him. Jesse’s making a sizable investment himself, getting Badger and Skinny Pete back onboard the now Heisenberg-free Pinkman Meth Express. Little does he know Hank is staking out his house and taking note upon the comings and goings. All these disparate storylines coalesce when, after a while of inactivity, Hank calls up Walt and asks him if he ever saw Jesse’s RV. Walt, in a panic, calls Saul, who tells him to get rid of the RV as quickly as he can. Walt arrives at Clovis’ scrap yard, where, while he and Clovis work as quickly as they can to find a way to destroy the RV, Badger calls Jesse, who of course speeds right over, Hank on his tail.

Later, at the junk yard where the RV is to be smashed “beyond recovery,” Walt spends a moment inside, reminiscing about all the misadventures he’s had, when suddenly, as if he was summoned, Jesse bursts in. Before the argument can even start, Walt realizes that Hank must be right behind him. Sure enough, he is, and thus begins one of the most nerve-wracking scenes in the history of the show, as Walt scrambles to find a way out of this situation without letting Hank know he’s there, Hank scrambles to find a way inside, and Jesse just plain scrambles. With a little legal assistance from the owner (who remains one of the best one-off characters in the show), they manage to force Hank to get a warrant, giving Walt enough time to again call Saul, giving him Hank’s contact information. Saul uses this information to have his secretary call Hank’s cell phone to tell him Marie has been in an accident and he’s needed at the hospital. Hank takes off like a bat out of hell, giving Walt and Jesse enough time to destroy the RV and make their escape.

The episodes ends where it began, with the Cousins int he desert. This time, they’re joined by Gus, at sunset, where he tells them that while he won’t allow them to kill Walt, he will allow them to take revenge upon the man who actually killed Tuco: Hank. This is a plot episode, where a bunch of proverbial shit hits a bunch of proverbial fans and the Cousins finally get themselves a target. May his death satisfy them.

Season 3, Episode 7: One Minute

“I think I’m done as a cop.”- Hank Schrader

This episode, “One Minute,” is one of the most powerful character hours the show has ever done. It’s a culmination of all of Hank’s storylines thus far, and in respect of that, and how well Dean Norris carries it, I’m going to spend the majority of this recap tracing the path he and the Cousins take towards their inexorable showdown.

We start off in a flashback, where a younger Tio teaches the Cousins a brutal lesson about the importance of family. Later, we see them buying bulletproof vests from a…colorful local merchant, who gives them a free sample, a hollow point bullet. Hank, meanwhile, starts off the episode arriving at Jesse’s house and beating him half to death in a fit of rage. This is the final straw in Hank’s breakdown, as he makes no attempt to hide what he has done to anyone, willfully accepting his fate. He doesn’t make up a cover story, he doesn’t bullshit, he simply tells both ASAC Merkert and the police that he stormed in and beat the shit out of Jesse based on a suspicion. While this may seem like Hank’s entire life coming apart, the truth is he treats these scenes as something of a rebirth, seeming at peace with himself for the first time in a long time. When he tells Marie that he’s not the man he thought he was and that he thinks he’s done as a cop, he doesn’t seem sad as much as he seems relieved. He seems, as Walt might have said it in season one, “awake.”

So this makes it all the more crushing when Hank, just after buying some flowers for his wife, gets a phone call from a still mysterious caller who tells him that two men are coming to kill him in the parking lot, and that he has one minute until they arrive. After suffering another panic attack, Hank finally snaps into motion, getting the jump on Leonel with his SUV, crushing him and removing him from the confrontation. When Marco fires on him, Hank manages to escape and get the jump on him too, proving the cousins’ preparation a good plan, as the bulletproof vests they bought save Marco from Hank’s assault, gunning the agent down as he tries to reload. Instead of just killing him then and there, Marco has a sudden flair for the dramatic, retrieving his axe so he can finish Hank off in the way he deserves. This gives Hank enough time to grab the free hollow point Marco had been holding, dropped to the ground without a care. He uses this bullet to blow Marco’s head apart, ending the confrontation and the episode on a violent pitch the likes of which the show hasn’t seen before, with the fates of both Hank and Leonel up in the air.

The only other plotting in this hour concerns Walter, and his behind the scenes efforts to keep Jesse from using this incident to either destroy Hank’s entire life or even turn on Walt, as he says he’ll do if he gets caught. After some pressure from Skyler, he makes Jesse an offer to work with him again, supplanting Gale as Walt’s new lab assistant. Walt of course makes up an excuse to be rid of the poor Gale, who just last episode seemed almost starstruck by the man. Jesse, to his credit, seems to have come to a realization. He isn’t the bad guy; Walt is. Everything that’s happened, the cascade of terrible events, can be blamed almost entirely on Walt. This makes it all the sadder for him when he eventually accepts Walt’s offer, going right back and making the same decision he’s been making, the same one that’s drug him down into nothing and destroyed everything he ever loved. I end this recap with that choice, with Jesse, because it’s the saddest and best example of his character. He wants to be accepted, even if it’s by someone like Walt. And when Walt tells him his meth was good, he still thinks Walt cares about him, even if everything he’s seen tells him otherwise. That comes back into play before the season’s done.

Illustration by Mary Grace Ewald

Season 3, Episode 1- No Mas

“You either run from things, or you face them, Mr. White.”- Jesse Pinkman

We open the third season of Breaking Bad in the sepia-toned wasteland that is the show’s vision of Mexico, where a group of villagers are mysteriously crawling in a uniform direction. Eventually, two sharply suited twins arrive, and join them. The two twins reach a small shack, where they offer a drawing of their quarry to whatever gods they pray to. The drawing is of a familiar man in sunglasses and a bowler hat. The shadows that roll over their heads as they walk away from the burning truck they set on fire in the episode’s conclusion is proof of the shadowy influence they hold over the first half of this season. These are Tuco’s cousins, and they are coming for Heisenberg.

We start the season off with our two main characters and how they deal with their respective guilt. We first see a series of well-produced fake news broadcasts about the crash of Wayfarer 515 and the role Donald Margolis played in it. We then cut to Walt once again flinging lit matches into the family pool, much as he did early in the Pilot episode. We’re meant to believe that the recent events have reduced him to a level of uncertainty he hasn’t felt since before he started cooking. It took a national catastrophe, but Walt finally feels guilty again. Guilty enough to pile his share of the deal money into his grill, douse it in lighter fluid and set it aflame. Of course, he summarily throws it into the pool to save it, but the look on his face is window enough into what’s going on inside him.

These first few episodes of Season 3 are heartbreaking because they’re maybe the last time Walter seems to understand the far-reaching consequences of those choices (that guilt comes to be represented, rather forcefully, by the plastic eyeball Walt finds in his pool’s filter, the eyeball from our old friend the Charred Pink Teddy Bear). Later, we see Walt revert back to his old rationalizing ways in a painful, awkward scene in the J.P. Wynn gymnasium where he launches into a diatribe in front of the students and faculty about how the crash really wasn’t that bad and that is was only the 50th worst air disaster in history (“there are, in truth, 53 crashes throughout history that are just as bad or worse…Tenerife?”). Whatever he feels to himself in private, Walt is just incapable of showing this particular brand of weakness in public. Later, he visits Gus at Los Pollos Hermanos and tenders his resignation. He’s going to try and live “on the straight and narrow” as he tells Jesse.

Jesse, on the other hand, is dealing with his guilt in a much more direct way. His counselor, played by the unimpeachable Jere Burns (Wynn Duffy!), who tells him he’s in rehab to accept himself rather than improve himself. When Jesse asks him what he’s ever done to be able to advise on the all destructive power of self-hatred, and the counselor tells a painful story about accidentally running his own daughter over while trying to get himself more alcohol. Later, after Walt picks him up from rehab, they have a conversation about that guilt, where Walter tries to deflect and say that none of it was Jesse’s fault (“I blame the Government”). Jesse decides that it was someone’s fault. It was his fault. This is another major divide in the character of these two characters. Walt is never willing to accept anything, least of all himself. He can always do better, whereas Jesse can always do worse. Walt’s “not a criminal,” while Jesse “is the bad guy.” While the other characters have their fair share of nice moments (particularly Skyler finally getting to the truth of what it is Walt has been doing), this is an episode about Walt and Jesse and their reactions to the things they believe themselves to be responsible for. No Mas. No more.

Season 3, Episode 2- Caballo Sin Nombre

“God…it’s a disaster.”- Walter White

The first four episodes of this season deal with Walter’s feeble attempts to put his life back together without having to cook. Even if we know, from the start, that he’s eventually going to succumb to Gus’ offer (an offer, one might say, Walt can’t refuse), but to see him lash out and explode at everyone around him is a bit of a callback to his life before his diagnosis, a boring life of quiet desperation that he desperately does not want to resume. He might say he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, but being the bad guy is the only time he’s ever felt alive. It’s a ticking time bomb, and this episode is really the start of the countdown.

Walt’ reticence forces everybody’s best dressed lawyer to spring into action of his own, sending Mike to bug the White home in case Skyler really does try to tell the authorities. Later, Saul plays host to Jesse (“the prodigal!”) who, after getting his share of the money back, offers Saul a job. He makes an offer on Jesse’s old house, currently being renovated by the Pinkmans, who still seem to want nothing to do with their deadbeat son. Saul makes an offer worth less than half of the market value of the home, and the Pinkmans accept after he mentions the very meth lab they used to force Jesse to move out. Jesse gets his old house back AND underhandedly shames his parents. Just the very thing you’d expect from a bad guy.

My favorite set of scenes in the episode starts when the Cousins visit Tio in his sad little nursing home (Casa Tranquila). Using a Ouija board, they conjure up a spirit from Tio’s recent past. They learn the name of this spirit: Walter White. After bringing home Walter Jr, who ran away, Skyler rejects Walter’s attempts at connection, resulting in a certain giant pizza being thrown onto a certain roof. The next day, after waking up to that eyeball, silently judging him, Walter breaks into the house, taking a shower in his own bathroom just because he can. Little does he know that waiting for him are the Cousins and their shiniest, deadliest axe. The only reason they don’t use it on him is because all of this coincides with Mike’s bugging of the home, and his quick action in notifying Gus (his true employer). Gus in turn texts that enigmatic text to the Cousins (“Pollos”), who leave before Walt is any the wiser. These first few episodes deal mainly with Walt trying to stay of the radar, trying to change, and as a result, they’re not the most frantic episodes. But behind it all, you know that at any moment, the Cousins could come knocking and destroy everything. And, as always, Walt is oblivious to it, because it doesn’t directly involve him. His blind spot is in thinking anyone could get the drop on him. How little does he understand his prospective employer and the shadowy forces behind him.

Season 3, Episode 3- I.F.T.

“I can’t see why I should lay all this on my family when things may…resolve themselves on their own.”- Sykler White

A quick little cold open this episode, one that shows us three things. One, how exactly poor Tortuga was separated from his head, two, just how merciless the Cousins are, and three, our first introduction to Juan Bolsa, by far the most highest up member of the Cartel we have met thus far.

The episode proper begins with the aftermath of Walt calling Skyler’s bluff and breaking into his own home, where Skyler calls the police on him. The police, despite obviously wanting to help Skyler, have no legal recourse to remove Walt from the premises. Walt plays up the “cuckolded father” role as best he can, unwittingly getting aided by a befuddled Walter Jr, who blames his mother for everything. Of course, when Walter throws down a bag of money and tells her all the things it will pay for and that all of the things he’s had to do will be for nothing if she doesn’t accept the money, you can see her determination start to crack. Skyler, despite the general opinion of most of the internet, isn’t always a raging bitch. Early in Season 3, I legitimately feel sorry for her, having been put into a position she sees no way out of by a stubborn man with a God complex. She might not handle these situations with grace, but she legitimately has no other recourse than to break bad herself, which of course she does, as she tells Walt with the last three little words he wanted to hear from her.

On other fronts, Jesse spends the majority of this episode dialing Jane’s cell phone simply to listen to her voicemail message (which is heartbreaking, if a little dull), while Gus makes a deal with Juan Bolsa in exchange for Walt’s temporary mortality. By far the most interesting sub-plot of this episode belongs to Hank, who, after receiving the surprising news that El Paso wants him back, heads to a sleazy dive bar with Gomez and picks a fight with two suspicious looking dudes in an attempt to prove to himself that he’s still capable of facing dangerous situations. Season 3 is when Hank really comes into his own, in my opinion. Cocky asshole who secretly doubts himself and may be suffering from PTSD is a much more interesting character than the mere cocky asshole he was in Season 1. Also, it’s nice to see that Hank, in most respects, really is the badass he plays himself up to be. He’s a wrecking ball, and those two bad dudes in the bar just weren’t quite bad enough to save the president in this instance.

In the end, while this is one of the slowest and most grinding episodes in the show’s history, it’s still a useful one. By portraying the slog Walter’s life has become without cooking, this episode becomes a slog in it of itself, which is a clever bit of meta commentary if intentional, and a happy coincidence if not. Please note that the most boring episode of Breaking Bad is still better than most everything that has ever or will ever air on American television.

Season 3, Episode 4- Green Light

“Hmm…foreseeable. Couple of years, at least. Barring acts of God and men with axes.”- Mike Ehrmentraut

One little plot point I couldn’t fit into “I.F.T.” was Jesse taking the RV out to cook after Jane’s number is disconnected. That seemingly innocuous tidbit (I mean, what’s Jesse going to do with the product? Sell it to the same tweakers he and Walt sold it to back in Season 2? Without Gus knowing?) is the focus of much of this episode, as it serves as the impetus for everything to start back up again (a proverbial green light). First, he pawns off some of his newly made blue in exchange for a gas bill he can’t afford to pay, then Hank traces that very expenditure into a lead on their RV, which of course gives him an excuse not to go to El Paso after all.

Walt’s path back off the straight and narrow begins when he goes nuts trying to get to Ted Beneke, only to be manhandled first by security and then by Mike, and after Saul’s over-attentiveness sets off his alarm bells, he fires him and has Mike uninstall the bugs that saved his life. Of course, Walt doesn’t know this, and Mike does his best to tiptoe around it without bringing undue alarm to the situation, as the scythe painted in front of the White home might do if Walt weren’t so self-absorbed. To top all of this off, Walt awkwardly tries to get revenge on Skyler with his boss, Carmen, resulting in him losing his job and the small amount of dignity he has left. One might see this as Walt losing his mind due to pressure, but I see it as the opposite: Walt losing his mind due to boredom. All of this culminates in him meeting Jesse in the parking lot, where the latter shows him the results of his hard work. There’s a little shift, here, as Walter goes from the caring father figure right back into Heisenberg (“what…in the hell…is this?), with just a dash of the hardass chemistry teacher Jesse knew and loathed from high school (“this is very shoddy work, even for you, Pinkman).

This confluence of events gives Gus a small, but workable window with which to get Walter back into the game. By doing business with Jesse, he makes an indirect appeal to Walt’s pride, to his product. The final culmination in an episode full of culminations comes when Walter pulls up to a red light after hearing on the radio that our old friend Donald Margolis was rushed to an area hospital after “an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.” While waiting for the light to change, Gus’ man Victor pulls up and throws Walt’s half of the deal money to him, and when Walt looks up, the light is green. It’s time to move on.

by Andrew Rosin

David Stern is one of the worst things about the NBA.

As I am one of the people who somehow resides in the world of basketball twitter. This is a statement that could very easily skew as controversial. But it’s true. He’s not Gary Bettman bad, but as he’s one of the more visible administrators in professional sports. Being as terrible as he is on interviews? It’s not a good look.

Let me explain. I’m someone who knows how to draw attention to himself with a mixture of moxie and alacrity. I was a troll once upon a time. And these days? I AM SOMEONE WHO IS UNAFRAID TO GUN TEN ALL CAPS TWEETS IN A ROW.

So I know a touch about being a glib asshole. It takes one to know one, and David Stern is one. And today, it came back out. I grant you, Jim Rome is an officious prick. But that being said? Asking if the lottery is rigged isn’t exactly the same level of douchery as his repeated attempts trying to get a rise out of Jim Everett.

And going to the rhetorical device of “Have you stopped beating your wife?” I’m not going to say it’s uncalled for? But for a show where the archetypal fan is never going to be confused for a Mensa member, rhetorical flourishes will sail skyscrapers above their heads.

But it’s funny! Hypothetical reader would respond. And perhaps it would be, if it was coming from some random troll. But allow me to explain.

DAVID STERN IS A COMMISSIONER OF A MAJOR PROFESSIONAL SPORT. TROLLING MEDIA MEMBERS ONLY BENEFITS THE MEDIA. NOT THE MAJOR PROFESSIONAL SPORT THAT HE RUNS.

I’ll explain it in punditry terms. For whatever you think of the politics they espouse, Fox News is a ratings juggernaut. You have people like Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity getting millions of viewers a night. The way MSNBC started making inroads was when Keith Olbermann started attacking him for being “the worst person in the world,” and Bill would respond. Bill’s response granted Keith legitimacy. And it made MSNBC a real network. Just like this will cause only Jim Rome to get more ratings.

I’m not saying that saying shame on you for asking the question was a terrible thing. He’s right. Conspiracies are cheap thrills. But when you are in a position of power like David Stern is in, and someone punches up at you. It is always a better tactic to just give the stock response and move along.

“We have shown ourselves to be transparent in the lottery process and that question is absurd.” 16 words. You can move on. If Rome would have persisted? “We have shown ourselves to be transparent in the lottery process and that question is absurd.”

But David Stern likes punching down. And when you punch down, old saws like these conspiracy theories foment. Ewing to the Knicks becomes Davis to the Hornets. The criminal incompetence of Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals becomes the incompetence of Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.Stern could have ended this discussion a long time ago.

But he keeps putting up another hook to feed the dialogue for the conspiracy theorists.