Digital Refrain

Movie: The Dark Knight Rises

Rating: 4 out of 5 quinoa salads

The Dark Knight Rises is a good movie that at times is a damn good movie. In a vacuum. On its own merits. But dammit, we don’t live in vacuums or meritocracies. We live in Internets and dreams and apartments. As I left the theater following a Thursday at midnight debut of Rises, I looked at a pair of fellow moviegoers who were in costume as overweight Bane and underweight Robin (there were no Batmans, too mainstream for Portland) and muttered “Expectations are a bitch.”

The setup feels forced at times. Characters explain and understand and do key things quickly and conveniently, as if Nolan saw the shot clock winding down and started rushing. Early on it is clear that this Batman will not rise (HAHAHA) above the bar set by its predecessors. It does get better, but throughout the duration it feels like the audience is asked to overlook more than in the first two films. Begins and Dark Knight had a strong sense of reality that added gravity. Rises takes step towards the fantastical, whether it be Catwoman flipping around with bladed high heels or gigantic mushroom clouds. It feels less like peering in on some different reality and more like watching a movie.

I’m not sure all of that is entirely fair. There are other factors to consider. Rises faced challenges inherent to a third edition. We’ve seen a lot of Nolan’s Batvision by now, we’ve seen Batman kick a lot of ass, and this being the final act the stakes must be raised and some real conclusion is in order. Quality third installments do not come easily and can tarnish a series. (I’m still angry at Spider-Man 3.)  By that standard, Rises is fantastic.

Now the good stuff. After reading and rereading fan speculation on the plot of Rises I was thrilled to discover that everything I had read was wrong. This Bruce Wayne is not just emotionally damaged, after years of crime fighting his body has broken down as well. For the first time we pity the Batman. This is brought to the forefront in one long and violent fight scene which has claimed more hold on my memory than any other. From that point on Batman’s eventual victory has added meaning.

Bane was a bold choice as villain, which I point out because he works so well here that this could be easily forgotten. The character didn’t exist in comics until 1993, and the last time we saw Bane in live action he looked like this:

The worst.

Nolan took a cartoonish tertiary villain character, stripped away the bullshit, and rebuilt him as something that feels menacing and real. I wonder if such a prominent mask held Tom Hardy back from making Bane even better, but it’s hard to ask for more. I realized just how much I enjoyed the character when I felt disappointment at a twist took some of his significance away.

I will cringe when Internet assholes complain about Rises being the worst of Nolan’s Batman movies; when they say it felt a bit forced, or that Hardy’s Bane doesn’t measure up to Ledger’s Joker, or whatever else. I’ll cringe because I agree but feel that it ignores that Rise offers a lot to appreciate. This movie faced tremendous expectations and all of the challenges inherent to third installments. Overall Nolan delivered an engaging final act with a satisfying conclusion. I just wish I didn’t have to use any qualifiers. Expectations are a bitch.

Art by @maddisonbond

Film: Safety Not Guaranteed

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 bowls of quinoa salad

A magazine writer and two interns journey to a small coastal town to investigate a funny little ad they found in the classifieds. The ad seeks a partner for time travel adventures. They are hoping to at least get a funny, off-beat article out of the trip. Beyond that they have no clue where this little lark will take them, or if this is even a lark at all. Maybe it will be dangerous. Maybe it will be sad. There’s just no telling.

Watching Safety Not Guaranteed is a somewhat similar experience. Knowing little about the film going in I was expecting a funny, off-beat type of movie. Early on I realized I had no clue which direction this story would take. I wanted to. Time elapsed, the story moved forward, and I still had no clue. I wanted to know even more. It’s a rare experience to be watching a film of somewhat wide distribution and remain so broadly uncertain about how things will end. And since Safety Not Guaranteed is a good movie, that uncertainty pulled me further in to the story. Like the characters I got more than the off-beat little comedy I was expecting.

There is plenty of expected humor. There is also a genuine sweetness. This is particularly true with the character played by Mark Duplass (The League, Jeff Who Lives At Home) and his interactions with the character played by Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation). In this world everyone is vulnerable and quirky. We want them all to be happy and feel uneasy when that stops seeming possible.

While the leads shine the supporting cast remains relegated to two-dimensional space for too long. When at last there is room for them to stretch we wish we could have gotten to know them earlier. Or maybe just to have them be more involved with the central story, because they are vulnerable and sweet and we want them to be important too, dammit.

There are some nagging issues in the story. A paranoid character overlooks an awful lot of red flags when establishing trust. Some other investigators work in unexplainable ways. None of this is enough to wash away everything that Safety Not Guaranteed does well. When it finally does reveal its final destination, you will be glad you came along.

Art by @maddisonbond.

Movie: Magic Mike

Rating: 4 out of 5 quinoa salads

Magic Mike is going to be a different movie to different people. I saw this film in a theater crowded with women (awe yeah), and for a loud minority of them Magic Mike will always be a goofball comedy with bountiful eye candy. They never stopped giggling and hooting at the handsome men in thongs, even as evidence mounted that the part of the movie for giggling and hooting was over. They walked out of the theater with smiles as broad as Channing Tatum’s shoulders.

For me, Magic Mike is among other things the latest example of Steven Soderbergh’s impressive range. He can execute Traffic or The Informant! or Ocean’s Eleven (naming just a few, of course) adeptly. Soderbergh doesn’t have a particularly salient style he applies to all of his projects. His movies are clever and entertaining, beyond that the qualities largely depend on the particulars of the film. Contrast that with his peers Tarantino or Nolan, who tend to stick to a pervasive and distinct style in all of their work. I’m tempted to call Soderbergh a technocrat but feel that might be taken as a dis towards his artistry and vision. I’ll try putting it like this: Soderbergh seems to want his films to find their own voice and speak for themselves, while Tarantino and Nolan speak through their films.

Channing Tatum plays the title character in this story that was inspired by some of his early life experiences. You can find additional parallels between Tatum and his character. Mike enjoys being a stripper but doesn’t want to do it forever. He is nearing the transition point; he’d like to do something more personally rewarding, something easier to talk about with strangers and bankers, something more grown up. As an actor who has carried a rep for being little more than a pretty face (and body!) I’m sure Tatum can relate. Just as Mike eventually moves on, after this role (following a strong comedic performance in 21 Jumpstreet earlier this year) it is ridiculous to view Tatum as less than a respectable actor. Tatum has easygoing, somewhat disconnected charisma down. Even if he never grows his character into anything particularly memorable, it is a a vast step up (get it!) from an unthinking, unacting pretty boy.

The first half of Magic Mike is a party; sex, fast money, drugs, and a lot of exposed man ass. (But no penis. Well almost no penis.) The second half of Magic Mike is also a party, but a party that is not quite as fun because implications from the first party start having to be dealt with. People start getting beat up and going broke and overdosing. Yet Magic Mike does not take the Goodfellas arch all the way to rock bottom. There is no crash and burn that follows the fast rise. Even if some of the characters are in positions that seem tenuous at the conclusion of the film, they seem happy.

Matthew McConaughey is phenomenal as the greasy and self-obsessed club owner. His character is the type of obvious con man that is so charming you don’t mind being scammed, at least not for a while. I know you are bullshitting me but please take my money because I want this to be real. It is entertaining as hell to watch his character exist.

And then of course there is the stripping. So much stripping. As a result there is plenty of time to observe performances of the supporting cast as well as the leads, which became increasingly fun for me. I might have guessed that Matt Bomer, who plays smooth and cool in White Collar, would have a knack for pulling off such a role. Joe Manganiello, most known for his brooding and stoic werewolf character on True Blood, was a fun surprise. These actors clearly enjoy their characters and just as importantly they aren’t mocking them. Male stripping is never the joke here, even when it’s funny. And without a doubt, Matthew McConaughey marching about the stage barking orders to strippers like a drill sergeant while wearing an Uncle Sam top hat and leather pants is undeniably funny. What makes Magic Mike worth seeing is that it has more interesting things to focus on.

Art by @maddisonbond

In Theaters Review is where I review movies that are currently playing in theaters. Spoiler free for your pleasure.

Film: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

In Theaters Review Rating: 0 out of 5 quinoa salads. This movie is not worthy of a single quinoa let alone a salad of them.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is awful. Not fun awful. Awful awful. The single positive attribute of this movie is the premise itself, which is ridiculous and funny and could have been taken in any number of entertaining directions. Unfortunately the film never makes up its mind on which of those directions it will take, so bumbles along slipshod for one hundred and five long minutes. It tries to play it mostly straight while wondering about being campy. It alternates between running with its inherent silliness in one scene and having a child die in the next. All of these ill fitting parts, even when considered in isolation of each other, are executed poorly. The identity crisis is accompanied by a complete lack of cleverness. Even more astounding is the absence of humor. It is impossible for the concept alone to compensate for such careless construction.

Shockingly this film has little interest in exploiting the well known idiosyncrasies of its title character. Has there been a more exhaustively researched American than Abraham Lincoln? We know he was a gigantic human for his time, with tremendous physical strength to match his intellect and ambition. He was strange looking and battled depression. He failed a lot in life before he succeeded. He had a personality many found off-putting but could engage anyone when telling a story. A wealth of material from which to create a vampire hunting President. Instead we see a Lincoln character that amounts to little more than a lazy, moronic amplification of some mythology. Vampire Hunter Lincoln is so opposed to slavery that as a child he takes a whipping with his black friend. An outspoken abolitionist from the beginning, he is pursuing the presidency so that he can end slavery. That same childhood friend he took a beating with becomes an adviser in his White House. This Lincoln is handsome, liked, and competent at all things. A waste.

It is against all movie review best practices to divulge spoilers. I will break convention here because it is very important that you not see this movie. All flickers of interest must be extinguished. If you find the fact that many Americans fought to preserve slavery during the Civil War a bit too prickly, this film has a fantasy you will love: it was the vampires that did it.

I went into this movie amused and intrigued by the premise. I liked the concept, which is supposed to be the biggest hurdle to enjoying movies that are so silly. That was my problem. Ebert went in “expecting to sneer” and found himself entertained, although he has a nice list of things he recommends ignoring along the way if you want to be entertained, too. If you decide to see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” after reading this review, I hope that you expect to sneer. It might just give you a chance at enjoying yourself.

In Theaters Review is where I review movies that are currently playing in theaters.

Film: The Intouchables

Rating: 3 and one half eaten bowls of quinoa salad (time to get healthy you guys)

A cool black person teaches an uptight white person how to loosen up and enjoy life, while the uptight white person teaches the cool black person how to be a more functional member of society. Along the way they butt heads, share some laughs, and overcome some obstacle(s), ultimately developing a deep connection and mutual respect for one another. It is a triumph of humanity over the cultural and economic barriers that have been segregating people from one another for as long as people have bothered to exist. And it has been the plot outline for no fewer than seventy million films. It’s bullshit, and we know this, but since we see this trope played out to one degree or another time and time again I assume it resonates.

“The Intouchables”, a French film, is the latest to apply this concept. We learn from the beginning credits that what we are about to see was inspired by a true story. We learn from the end credits that one thing the filmmakers changed was making the lead character of Senegalese descent instead of Algerian. I’m not sure what motivated the change, and questions nagged at me as I left the theater. Is the black/white mold so strong that a less-dark character would not suffice? Or was Omar Sy, the actor playing the character, so phenomenal that they wanted him in the role and changed it accordingly? Both seemed plausible.

Whatever the reason for the change this film has been a massive success in France. The second most successful French film of all-time, in fact. Recently released to theaters in the United States, more than one Murican critic has found “The Intouchables” to be racist. I wouldn’t go that far, I mean, this movie is racist in the way most movies are racist; it’s regular racist,“Finding Forrester” racist, which many don’t find racist at all. You can learn more about my thoughts on racism in my upcoming self-published ebook, “Racists and the Racist Racists Who Racist: Another White Guys Perspective on What is or is Not Racist, Just What You Wanted To Hear, I’m Sure.”

And now I catch myself falling into that thing I hate where a review starts to focus too much on happenings outside of the actual movie. Any more missteps like this and I will never overtake my rival Roger Ebert. Reset. Deep breath.

To be more specific, “The Intouchables” is the story of a rich white quadriplegic monsieur and the poor black able bodied monsieur that is his caretaker. Sitting on a cliche chassis is not the only issue. Perhaps worse to some, this film never stops pandering to warm your cold Internet heart. And still it succeeds on strong acting from the leads and some solid directing. Omar Sy is excellent as the caretaker and François Cluzet, who plays the quadriplegic, makes a lot of faces. They play well off each other and the buddy comedy type laughs are easily generated from the opening sequence. One particular scene, a trip to the opera, made me laugh so hard I cried my own tears. (I can’t possibly rate a movie less than three quinoa salads if it made me cry with laughter, the quinoa salad scale has too much integrity to permit such injustice.) Add brisk pacing and unrelenting feel goodness and this movie becomes an entertaining experience with undeniable appeal. Unless you found it racist and offensive. Then it probably sucked for you.

Illustration by Maddison Bond (@maddisonbond)

In Theaters Review is where I review movies that are currently playing in theaters. Spoiler free for your pleasure.

Film: Prometheus

Casual Review Rating: 4 and two bites out of 5 Doritos Locos Tacos

Lady Friend Rating: 4 out of 5 bowls of froyo

“You don’t understand, this is my Dark Knight.”

 My lady friend, whom from this point forward I will refer to as my “wife”, said those words to me months ago. She had mentioned Prometheus often for at least a year before that phrase was born, but it took that particular arrangement of words for me to truly grasp her level of anticipation.

My wife is just one of the mass Alien franchise  enthusiast horde. Science-Fiction fans love hard enough as it is, so when you add always fun and sometimes groundbreaking Alien films/comics/audiotapes stretching back to 1979 it forges a subset of people that love even harder. They watch closely enough to find oversights as small as this. Alien fans are as intense Star Wars fans but less annoying about it. I find them to be marriable enough.

Alien fans like my wife would be eager for Prometheus even if the previews contained nothing but Paul Giamatti in black spandex eating a cardboard spaceship. They would burn the Internet down, but they would anticipate. There is another camp of folks looking forward to Prometheus as well, a more casual group that I fancy myself as belonging to. We thought the Alien movies were cool even if we can’t seem to remember much from them. We thought the trailers for Prometheus looked interesting, the cast seemed good. A solid entertainment option.

Both groups wondered if Ridley Scott could pull this off. Was this a man out of new ideas and content to rehash his old ones? Would this be something that would be easily forgotten by the casual fan and compel the die-hard to poke her eyes out with a Ripley action figure? Scott had to please both audiences for Prometheus to be considered a success. Did he though?

He did though. Prometheus is a fine addition to the Alien Universe even if it isn’t a perfect one. The cinematography is beautiful and I’m having trouble thinking of a recent movie that used sound (effects and the score) to enhance the experience to such a degree. It has terrifying scenes your brain will remember. It’s intellectually stimulating; themes of life itself, creation, death, the worthiness of humanity to exist, spirituality, religion all are in play as you watch the characters struggle to survive on an alien planet. Michael Fassbender is a robot. Now I’m gushing.

Most of my quibbles were small and I feel like an asshole for even writing about them. The characters seemed unnaturally hostile towards one another. I could not understand why only a couple members of the crew seemed excited about the mission. None of that really mattered once the monsters showed up and started killing people. (I hope I didn’t just ruin it for you.)

I asked my wife where Prometheus ranks in the hierarchy of Alien films. Her position is that it easily surpasses all but the original. I will summarize her forty-five minute elaboration like so: while not the groundbreaking achievement of “Alien”, Prometheus only significantly lags behind the original in the suspense category. No shame in that. Thirty years of advances in special effects doesn’t hurt, Prometheus is the most visually stunning of them all. She did feel that too much was left unanswered and noted one inconsistency with the original story. (It was something about a guy supposed to be sitting in a chair. Seriously.)

Since I’ve been implying that my wife is representative of all Alien fans, I will say that Prometheus connects with the other films enough to please the die-hards. Since I have been implying that I am representative of the rest of humanity, I will say that the film stands on its own enough to be enjoyed by them as well. That my friend is a recipe for success in the motion picture business.

Thanks for reading.

“Illustration” by Connor Huchton

Instant Review is where I review movies that the Internet told me to watch on the Internet.

Film: What Happened Was… (1994)

Recommended by: Dennis G

Streamed via: Netflix (Also available in it’s entirety for free at Hulu/IMDb)

Instant Review Rating:4 out of  5 Doritos Locos Tacos

The first date. An experience so common, so awkward, so unpredictable, and so filled with exciting and terrifying possibilities that it’s long been exploited by movies of all flavors. Wacky comedy? First date. Romantic comedy? First date. Mentally unstable person descending into a homicidal madness? First date. Cartoon dogs and Italian stereotypes? First Date. Yet for all its pervasiveness the first date is rarely the focus of the story. It exists only to move the things along and communicate something about the characters.

“What Happened Was…” is the exception that gives first dates the full ninety-minute treatment. The entire movie consists of only that first date, in one apartment, in what feels like real time. The only people we see are the two poor souls attempting to get to know each other better. Jackie has invited her coworker Tom over for dinner.

We feel the awkwardness immediately. Oh God the awkwardness. It is not the cute, charming awkwardness we have been conditioned to expect. It feels real and unrelenting. Nervous ticks. Lulls in conversation. That awful labor of finding common interest. You don’t hear internal dialogue but your mind starts to fill it in for the characters. What am I doing? I’m talking about myself too much. They think I’m weird. Did I just say “Birds are dinosaurs”? Be cool!

While Jackie and Tom are bravely pressing on there is a simmering creepiness present, just enough to make one wonder where the film will lead. Wouldn’t a neutral meeting place be less uncomfortable? Why did Jackie want to have this date at her home? Wait, why does Jackie have all those dolls anyways? Why is it so dark in there? And Tom’s leering is starting to look dangerous. Is somebody going to kill somebody? Worse, are we going to have to watch them have sex? The questions intensify as Jackie and Tom continue muddling through basic conversation.

And continue to muddle through small talk is exactly what Jackie and Tom do for the entire first half of the film. Let me remind you that I am very sensitive. Just thinking about how sensitive I am brings me to tears. After about forty-five minutes of this unsettling date I was very much trapped in that apartment with Jackie and Tom. Something needed to happen or I was going to lose my shit.

Finally something does happen, a guard is lowered. The impact of seeing a deeply personal expression after so much stilted shallow conversation is on the mindfuck level, even if it answers very few questions. Suddenly the movie is pulling on sad truths of functional loneliness and tragedy, and how they are both common and commonly hidden.

If you can’t make it through a solid forty-five minutes of two strangers in one room type awkwardness this movie is not for you. The payoff is the emotional resonance of the second half. You feel for Jackie and Tom, and by extension the human condition, because you were with this date for the duration. This is not an easy film to enjoy but those that stick through will feel its lasting impression.

Illustration by Leif Seifert

Instant Review is where I review movies that the Internet told me to watch on the Internet.

Film: Punching the Clown (released in 2009 or 2010 depending on who you trust.)

Recommended by: @Bouncex3

Streamed via: Netflix

Instant Review Rating: 3 out of 5 Doritos Locos Tacos

Making a living as a comedian often means struggle. You can be on the road, sleeping in your car and performing for embarrassingly small audiences that may not get you and venue managers that may not pay you. Or you can try setting roots in a show business city, say Los Angeles, and peddle yourself relentlessly in hopes of attracting the attention of some asshole that might help make you a star. “Punching the Clown” aims to satirize both settings, following an unassuming and road weary performer who finally decides to give Los Angeles a try.

This film was written by and stars comedy balladeer Henry Phillips, who delivers a convincing performance as a comedy balladeer named “Henry Phillips”.

“Singing comedian? Meh. No thanks.”

Let me stop you right there, person that has opinions similar to mine on the topic of singing comedians. “Punching the Clown” is funny, with Phillips just as willing to poke fun at himself as he is show business. Both produce laughs, sometimes almost simultaneously. We see an out of place Phillips at a Hollywood mansion party struggling to describe his act (“singing comedian” is not a label he finds adequate) to a woman who bails the moment it becomes clear that Phillips cannot further her towards her own goals. We see the woman move on only to be immediately rejected herself by another party goer, and in turn her rejector being rejected, and so on until the baton of status seeking phoney self-absorption passes all the way back to Phillips just moments later.

The satire never aspires to go beyond laughing at the silliness of it all. It tickles the what without bothering with the why. That lightness pervades the entire ninety minutes. (Also, thanks for making this movie ninety minutes. Please stop making other movies so long.)  We never feel bad about Phillips having to sleep in his car, he’s sleeping in his car because he is choosing to do what he loves to do. Good for him.

That lightness makes it hard to care much for the two relationships with humans that Phillips seems to have. When his brother, an actor, gives up on his own dream you get the sense that you are supposed to feel something. Ditto for the love interest leaving town. Even when Phillips’ name becomes sullied in some bizarre misunderstanding I couldn’t feel anything other than annoyed that this was taking away from better jokes.

Most of the enjoyment in this film comes from Phillips’ well-honed act. The songs are amusing and the jokes between the songs are impressively sharp. It makes sense that the film provides regular doses of Phillips’ performances. If this comes at the expense of developing a deeper connection to the story and some of its characters, it at least resulted in laughs.

Slacker?

TL;DR: If Storm from the X-Men harnessed the ability to control antimatter she could open up a black hole right on your face or usher in the Star Trek era.

I am no X-pert when it comes to the X-Men. I watched the cartoon series growing up but checked out when they started working time travel into the episodes. I had higher standards as a twelve year old. There was a passing interest in the comic books. I enjoyed the movies but I don’t think I’ve seen any of them more than once. A true layman by Internet standards.

While I may fail to grasp the intricacies of the X-Men Multiverse, I am amongst the most knowledgeable persons ever on the subject of antimatter. I basically laugh in Neil deGrasse Tyson’s face because I know so much more than him that it is hilarious to me. I learned everything from the “Kid’s Corner” section (props to them for not going with “Korner”) of the Live From CERN site. Antimatter as explained in Kid’s Corner:

Think about playing with “playdough” (Paul probably did). Starting with a flattened layer of dough, take a star shaped cutter and press it through the dough, now carefully remove the shape and .. hey presto, you’ve got a star! But take a look at the dough: there is another star there, exactly the same as the one you are holding – except that it’s a hole, the “negative image”, or opposite of your star. And you have no choice: whatever shape you cut from the dough, you also make its exact “negative” image. 

Great, now I’m hungry. Also: informed.

Shit gets deeper. Antimatter isn’t just something Will Hunting writes stories about on chalk boards when he is supposed to be cleaning up. It isn’t just something Neil deGrasse Tyson makes by ramming portals together in an aluminum tube. Antimatter happens in real life. NAFTA found out that antimatter occurs naturally during thunderstorms on planet Earth. There is an explanation and video here. I would embed the video but it seems Major League Baseball runs NASA’s Internet strategy.

This begs a question that NASA refuses to answer: Could Storm harness the power of antimatter? The potential alone is enough to make Professor X dance up and down the aisles of the local community center where his neighborhood walking club assembles every Tuesday and Thursday evening.  Harnessing the ability to control antimatter would make Storm the most powerful being in the history of things that I’ve thought about. She would have the power of true annihilation. She could open up a black hole right on your face or banish you to some less desirable dimension. Or other things we can’t even begin to understand with our puny non-mutant brains and lame non-antimatter controlling bodies. There’s no end to the possibilities.

While Storm could no doubt destroy mankind with this power, I believe she would be pretty chill. Storm is one of the good-good X-Men that would likely use this power for good. And what good there would be, friend. The matter/antimatter core that powered the Star Trek Enterprise could become a reality and the CERN people could save a ton on their electricity bills.

Thanks for reading.